I've sung on that stage a hundred times before, but for me to be up there alone, the stage looked so big and everyone seemed so far.
When suddenly asked to sing a solo on stage, most people would get stage fright. But me? no... I get lonely.
A big fear that I have had to face my whole life is the fear of being alone. It's quiet an irrational fear considering I live in a dorm with great friends, I have an amazing CCC family, and a loving church community. But that's the thing about fear isn't it. Your mind makes up much more than what is likely going to happen.
I have said many times that the thing I love most in the world is people. As you can probably imagine I am an extreme extrovert, sometimes almost to a fault. I get incredibly lonely and I wonder why people are leaving me. Recently I've been feeling worse about it as I have had to say goodbye to some people that were a big part of my life.
Getting up on stage in front of a hundred people is easy to me, stepping into my room and knowing that there isn't anyone inside... now that's scary.
We all have fears don't we, and at some point in our lives we all have to face them. Sometimes God brings us to a situation where we are forced to face those fears, but sometimes we have to decide that our fears aren't going to rule us.
For me, this meant that I had to learn to enjoy my own company, to not depend on other people's support, to self soothe. Like facing any fear, it's difficult. Actively deciding to not Skype, text, or go on Facebook and fully embrace being alone and telling myself that that's okay.
I have ways to go, and I do chicken out sometimes, needing to find someone to be with. But I've decided to be kind to myself. I'll do all I can, and push just a little more. Who knows maybe one day I'll actually be able to enjoy a solitary walk on the beach.
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